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I can't do what I'd really like to do this year. I can't arrange a one year birthday party. I can't address cute invitations. I can't arrange to have a cake made that my one year old will dive into head first. I can't help her open her presents. But what I can do is share my feelings and my memories with those who mean the most to me. And please know that if you are reading these words, you are one of those people. So I hope you will understand and be patient with me as I say what's on my heart.
On March 14, 2002, Lib Barlow was born. She was the most perfect baby this mom has ever seen. I held her. I counted all ten fingers and toes. I kissed her forehead and ran my finger down her nose. I held her close to me for as long as I could. But when the time came to give her back to the nurse, I knew that I'd never hold her again. But you know, when it comes right down to it, I didn't hold HER. I held her body. No one on this earth really held her. Lib was never born into the arms of a dr., she was born into the arms of the Lord. I know in my heart that she is, right this very second, looking down from heaven and watching over me and you and all those who she knows loves her so very much.
Its very, very easy for me to be sad and grieve her all over again, now at her birthday. And sometimes I do. But when I feel sad, I have to remind myself that her life and death had a purpose and a meaning. It took me almost a year to figure out and try to understand any possible meaning that a little girl's death could have. But I think I finally understand (and am probably still learning) this purpose. I'd like to share what I've learned with you.
For six months Lib grew and lived inside me. (She continues to live in my heart.) About a month before she died, I began to feel her move and kick within. Anyone who is a mother knows how magical that is. I had seen several very active ultrasounds of her. So she was very much alive from the moment she was conceived. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I began to bond with her. And the bond grew and grew. I prayed several times a day for her health and her well being. And I just knew that those prayers would be answered.
But the night that we found out that she had died, my life instantly changed. I became as angry with God as I had ever been. Oh how I hated Him. I never quit believing in Him and I never LOST my faith, but it was definitely shaken. My faith has since changed a little. I won't go into how it has changed, but I now feel closer to God than I ever have before. I am praying again. And I have learned that the old story about the Footprints is very true. God does indeed hold you up and at times carries you when you can't take care of yourself. He never leaves your side, and if you leave His side, He's always there for you when you come back. He remains your best friend no matter how you feel about Him at the time.
I believe God had a purpose for Lib. Her life was very brief here on earth, but she taught and is still teaching me some very important things about life and love.
No, I can't do the things for Lib on her birthday that I'd like to do, but I think what she'd like for me and you to do instead is continue living life the fullest. So this year instead of inviting you to celebrate a birthday party, I'd like to invite you to celebrate life. Celebrate the love you have for each other. And most importantly, celebrate God. Let Him know how much you love Him. Let Him know how much He means to you.
God is so wonderful. This has really been a bad year for me and my husband on so many different levels. But because of God, I feel like I am a stronger person today for it. I thank Him daily for giving me this strength and I also thank Him for giving me the grace needed to get to where I am now. I am very grateful for my angel's life. I said before that I never really held Lib. But I know, that because of God's eternal love and mercy for me that I WILL one day hold her. What a peaceful feeling to have on her birthday!
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